Lake Shelbyville (Illinois), 2014
I’ve been so angry these three months. I directed this anger toward the world, but deep down I knew it stemmed from my own dissatisfaction of myself. It’s done me zero favors. I’ve lost my job, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost faith in myself.
I’m done. I wish I could recant all the negativity I put into the world during this time, but the best I can do now is begin to radiate positive energy again. It starts with tackling (and finishing!) my thesis. Anyone who’s ever pursued a master’s degree knows it’s not a simple undertaking, and the thesis—the culminating project of what you’ve learned combined with what interests you (it’s called “capstone” for a reason) is meant to consume you, and the strong survive to earn that master’s degree.
Whether or not my degree leads me to a coveted job is no longer a concern of mine, though I will be fighting for one. I wasted so much time wondering why a string of unfortunate events happened to me, when all along I skirted around the fact that this happens to the best of us. Whatever force(s) is/are at work tests our best selves through the toughest situations. We all lose our jobs, we all have trouble making ends meet, and we all question our value to ourselves and to the ones we care about. It’s not that the world has given up on us. Rather, the world is testing our endurance and our character.
My test certainly isn’t over (perhaps it will never end, but may morph into different challenges throughout my life), but I’m seeing a much needed change in the tide. I’m embarrassed to admit that I wasted so much time wallowing and waiting for my life to get better. I haven’t believed in myself, and in effect no one else did.
Putting this positive energy into the world isn’t going to solve my problems tomorrow, and that’s ok. But, I’m no longer fighting fire with fire. Instead, I’m throwing water on the flames.